things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
