Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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