So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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