I think I just saw someone hide a body.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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