im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
