I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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