I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Operation Purity has been aborted
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
