If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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