I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
