So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
you had me at cake vodka
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
