Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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