It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
