Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
