Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
