i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
