my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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