So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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