Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
i need some magic done to my vagina
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
