I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
