Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
