i may or may not be watching the land before time
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
