Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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