Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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