im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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