Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
