ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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