so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
