Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
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