When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
