He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
