Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
