phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
