I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
