So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
