Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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