I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
