they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
