Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
