So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Randomize
