My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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