I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
