I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
