If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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