Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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