farters have to be the big spoon...
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
