i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
