I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I'm bleeding and have questions
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
