He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
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