We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
