I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
