seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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